I’m 2 weeks shy of 21, hard of hearing from an entire adolescence of doing really cool really loud shit. I am consistently going through a cycle of losing and regaining my voice, a steady fluctuation of a husky, deep, and without a doubt loud tone. I’m either confident in my volume, my character in my voice, or I despise that no matter what I am talking about or who I am talking to my presence is booming, forceful, and loud as all hell. I have a lot of friends and anyone who knows me well knows that chances are they will always be able to hear me coming. Part of me identifies with how big my presence can be, and part of me loathes this uncontrolled attribute. Loud is who I am, often with a purpose but more often not. Volume echos confidence. I am a confident person, but confidence is so fleeting. Like any other human I have fear and anxiety and doubt. I have been lying in bed all night trying to get to sleep thinking about myself and my life and how much everything has changed since I moved to Oregon and moved back to Denver. I have a lot of fears, a lot of that anxiety is about learning in front of people. Getting out there and meeting people that have some kind of knowledge that I crave is probably what I want more then anything at this point in my life, and I have no idea why I am so afraid of learning in front of people. Being assumed to be confident and capable of anything is such a gift but makes failure so much heavier. Believing I can manifest anything if I want it enough and work hard is most important to stay true too. Keeping positive and humble and remembering that who I am is a beautiful thing loud as shit or not, and remembering that judgement is so relative that it should cancel itself out before it makes its way to your head or to your heart.
I never really thought that my father and I would end up anything alike, but the older I get the more I see how we are both so very inclined towards design. I catch myself looking at architecture for hours and realize this is what my dad has dedicated his life to, and how honored I am to be the daughter of such a talented human being and how much I want to show him that I can be just as good.
